I feel conflicted because I am not sure if I tell you my reasons you will understand why I am the way I am or I behave the way I do.
I feel like I’m at war with myself.
I feel like I’m in a pit of confusion and I can’t explain how I got there.
I feel like I’m lost in the deepest parts of the seas with no compass to guide me back.
I feel like I’m drowning in my own madness and I can no longer stay afloat.
I feel like I’m slowly losing who I am.
I am no longer sure what motivates me and what doesn’t.
I’m a walking corpse, ready to fall at any time.
I’m a revised version of myself but I would rather revert back to my default settings.
Life has knocked me down a couple times leaving me with no sense of direction.
I’m a shadow of my own spotlight.
I seem like I know what I’m doing but the truth is I’m as clueless as everyone else out there.
I have survived many battles but this time I’m losing the war.
I have gone up against many people but I’ve never gone up against myself.
She knows all my weaknesses,
She knows all my strengths,
She knows all my soft spots,
She knows what I hold dear,
She sees through my mask,
She sees through the facade,
She knows my trigger points,
She knows the REAL ME!
This is because she is the OLD ME and she is taking me down.
How do you fight yourself?
How do you win against an equal?
How do you foster peace with yourself?
The new me and the old me are battling for the ultimate prize of ME!
I feel like I’m dying a death by a thousand blades.
I feel like a knife has been aimed straight for my heart.
I feel like my reality is jaded.
I feel betrayed by my own choices,
I feel betrayed by my own desires,
I feel betrayed by my own intentions.
Most of us are walking zombies.
We fail to see what has been eating away at us for years.
We choose to settle out of fear.
We live a life where others are holding the highest stakes.
We are pawns in our own games.
We are the villains of our own story.
We are the architects of our own misery.
What we tend to forget is that we are our own limitation.
She had tied herself down with insecurities,
Refusing to give herself any choices yet she had the chances.
She has reduced herself to ashes yet she is the fire she is searching for.
She is the star she yearns so badly for.
She is the peace she desires.
I wish she could just see that…
She is the GIFT she asks for,
She is the PRIZE she craves to possess,
She is the BLESSING she prays for everyday!
She looked ahead and realized the fire that she had sought for so long was residing in her because she was not made with a lightness in her tongue so she can be easy to swallow rather, she was made heavy with a mix of gold and silver, difficult to forget but not easy for the mind to emulate.
Copyrights © 2018 Eva Mwangi