DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS

I soldiered on in a world of deceit and betrayal,

Trying to remain sane and fair,

Battling a conscience that is fragmented.

But I could no longer live a lie.

The world had changed me!

I was becoming a part of the problem.

With each passing day,

My integrity continues to dwindle to nonexistence.

I KEEP DYING A DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS!

My innocence has been fading for decades now,

How could I not see this?

I was so busy trying to live other people’s lives,

Running other people’s races while I should have been focused on my own.

I lost sight of who I was,

I was becoming a monster,

I was the very thing I detested most in life,

I was the Hypocrite I had tried so hard not to be.

I KEEP DYING A DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS!

How do you keep going amid all the regrets?

How do you keep charging amid all the protests?

How do you stay alive when everything else is dying?

How do you fight when you don’t know what you are fighting for?

How do you look yourself in the mirror and smile when you no longer realize you don’t know the person standing on the other side?

How do you get back what you lost?

How do you recover from the lies you told yourself?

I KEEP DYING A DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS!

I roam helplessly, like a sheep without a shepherd,

Trying to figure out the puzzle I have become,

I realized I spent so much time trying to fit into a space that was not mine,

I was aiming for the impossible,

I was trying to make a fish climb a tree,

I was trying to make a lion fly the skies,

How could I be so foolish?

I had been turned into a robot,

Because I strove so hard to be like everyone else,

I KEEP DYING A DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS!

My memories keep fleeing me,

My inspiration is almost flamed out,

My voice is slowly disappearing,

My dreams have become a distant day-dream,

My comfort zone has become my best fantasy,

My pain has become an accepted reality,

I yearn for when I was a child,

Because I believed in miracles,

I yearn for when I was in school,

Because my determination and persistence could have made the sun shine in the moon light.

I KEEP DYING A DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS!

How did I fall so far off the progress wagon?

How did I become the destiny destroyer rather than the destiny maker?

How did I become the road side bush?

How did I become the quake without the flare?

How did I become the fire without the sparks?

How did I become the star without the twinkle?

How did I become the diamond without a reflection?

I KEEP DYING A DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS!

I’ve fallen a thousand times,

I’ve drowned deep under my own water,

I’ve hidden behind masks,

I’ve been broken a million times,

I’ve shed a dozen personas,

I’ve buried several mistakes,

I’ve risen from the ashes of despair and anguish,

I’ve let the life in me die over and over again.

I KEEP DYING A DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS!

Over the years however, I’ve seen….

The impossible become possible,

The unknown become known,

The powerless become powerful,

The poor become rich,

The oppressed become the oppressors,

The rise and fall of kingdoms,

And most importantly;

THE REDEMPTION OF ONESELF!

 

The most important lesson I’ve learnt is that you cannot hang around wolves and not catch any fleas.

Remember;

Ships don’t sink because of the water that surrounds them; Ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don’t let what is happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.

 Copyrights © 2018 Eva Mwangi